seeking self empowerment, seeking internal inspirations, seeking fresh dialogue, seeking clean blank pages, seeking a simple sanctuary.

I wake up and I run / I run as far as I can and as fast as I can / and then I collapse under ice cold water / simultaneously shocking my system and my senses / I shove myself in a tin box and drive as fast as I can / I place my genderless clothing over my body and slide the latch to the left / I swipe the card with my name on it and shut my brain off 
All through the day I recite phrases and smile blankly and laugh halfheartedly and -

bend up and down

slide forward and backward

wipe left and right and in circles

and halfway through the day I shovel fried foods into my mouth and pay 2.21 for a sliver of happiness in the form of a chocolate bar and then -

bend up and down

slide forward and backward

wipe left and right and in circles

And again I swipe the card with my name on it while pulling off the genderless clothing and stepping out into the humid summer air / I inhale deeply but am not satisfied / I start the car and turn the knob from one station to the next / I drive as fast as I can

Once I am home I recount the nothingness of the day with others and laugh at the sadness that has become the daily /

After food and drinks and showers and sex I lay down and try to recharge myself / try to prepare and then - 

I realize that I never did turn my brain back on and suddenly the switch is teetering on the edge not sure whether now is the most convenient time to begin functioning and processing or if it’s possible to just live adrift for the  next few days/

few weeks/

few months.

I found my tweezers and went on a plucking spree but in turn tweezed my beauty mark and now its full of blood and practically black.  
I barely even look like myself here. 

I found my tweezers and went on a plucking spree but in turn tweezed my beauty mark and now its full of blood and practically black. 

I barely even look like myself here. 

  • Things are going well at work and my manager said that she’s considering me for assistant manager if/when the position becomes available
  • I’m terrified that I’m slipping into the cracks
  • But I am merely taking a break and returning to a school setting and art setting in the fall, I need to remember that
  • I don’t need for photography to be what I do with my life just because I went to school for it.  I went to school for art and received my Bachelors of Fine Arts and I will do something art related with my life.
  • I should be able to buy plane tickets to Portland in July!
  • I would really like to erase you from my life
  • I have been running and eating well for 4 weeks today - I still enjoy beer, fries, and eating out occasionally but I essentially make every meal for myself at home
  • I’m not transitioning into all of this as smoothly as I would like to be or as I have in the past.  I am legitimately worried about the current state of things.
  • My Dad has been continually getting upset with me and then instead of talking to me about him being upset when he is - to clear the air - he just waits until I ask him what’s wrong.  Then the issue is that he’s not even upset with something I’ve done but just spends too much time thinking about things and hearing stories from other people and gets upset with me because of a fictional story he’s conjured in his alone time. 
  • I am so fucking tired of the way my room looks
  • I want to take most things off of the wall but what do “adults” hang in their bedrooms? 
  • Clutter
  • Sean’s in Maryland for a few days so tonight is the first time in over 2 years that I will be sleeping in a bed larger than a full/twin.  I don’t know what to do with myself.
  • Learning not to look in the mirror so often has proven to significantly help body image.  I feel beautiful so why wouldn’t I also look that way?
  • Sean moves in on Monday
  • Planning out things for the rooftop
  • Planning finances for Portland and also preparing for loan payments
  • Fathers day is soon and I really don’t know what to do
  • Taking an early morning train to the zoo next Thursday
  • Animal plans
  • Emma got a 5 1/2 week old bunny today and it’s super precious
  • You are merely just a memory at this point, nothing more but nothing less
  • Good conversation and great coffee today
  • Rearranged my room in preparation for Sean.  Trying my best to think of what might make him feel better/best
  • I tried to do nothing today but instead ended up doing more of something
  • Even in the very center of everything, there isn’t nothing  - and even if there is; nothing is something
  • There’s too much stuff on my walls
  • All of my days off are planned until 2 weeks from now and I mostly hate that
  • Sean will get to experience First Friday, meet Annie, see the gallery I intern for, and how we do things there.  Hoping that Emma and Steve might come out and take him around downtown for a little bit.
  • Even though summer hasn’t arrived just yet I can still taste Autumn
  • Home is the raw nerve.
  • Had a weird 4 hour shift on Sunday
  • My fish went sour so I just ended up grabbing TBell on the way to Maryland
  • Walked with Sean to By the Scoop and got him ice cream
  • Monday we had a super perfect day ~ weather, early morning, conversation, sex, just everything was how it used to always be
  • Tuesday was super rough but we still enjoyed ourselves and Sean made crabcakes and mac and cheese for dinner
  • It’s okay to change your mind about “what you want to do” every single second of every day for the rest of your life if you want to.  Just enjoy it and you and life.
  • I cried over some dark chocolate sun butter cups
  • Drove home around 7 something this morning
  • Second interview at Coe, still waiting, possibly full time there now…
  • Worked 1045 - 6 and made $2 in tips because it was THAT SLOW ALL DAY. But I unloaded a delivery truck for an hour, dusted for an hour, and did some tasting/cleaning for another hour, had a half hour lunch at 2, and somehow that made the day go by quicker
  • After work I busted my ass at the gym.  2 miles in 25 minutes on the treadmill then lifted weights for bicep/back day
  • Matcha latte and coconut cranberry granola cereal all from Trader Joes
  • Popped in a load of laundry and will have clean work clothes tomorrow
  • Wrote the review for Bruce Banter/David Ginolfi for Sunshine
  • Heading out with Emma in 20 minutes to go ~~dancing~~
  • Home is the place where your feet stop aching and your cat licks your hand because she misses you.
I normally check my email daily but I’ve been super busy with work and just read this email. Looks like I’ll be an artist in residence at Millersville in the fall! :) #earprogram#artistresidency

I normally check my email daily but I’ve been super busy with work and just read this email. Looks like I’ll be an artist in residence at Millersville in the fall! :) #earprogram#artistresidency

  • Busiest day at work since I started last week
  • I really need to stop judging people so quickly.  I mean, I think in some way we all do for various reasons, and I always allow that person to do their thing and I’ll formulate my own opinions as I get to know them better and disregard old thoughts but still
  • I’m laying in my bed naked but I still don’t know if I want to go out or not
  • My eyes are itchy, my throat is sore, I’m coughing, and I feel hot - this is finally the spring allergies catching up with me
  • That was my fucking dog.
  • Our internet has been S H I T lately so I’m never on here enough to check anything but just enough to make posts that *fingers crossed* somehow manage to upload
  • I had 2 days of rest from running, will run tomorrow morning, and have a super short shift tomorrow
  • Going to spend a day or two with Sean, hopefully taking him to a park to enjoy the weather and get his mind off of the daily shit
  • At this point I think my mind has shut off on the “higher” thoughts I could be having or normally do.  I’m glad that at least I’m not panicking about not taking photos, or writing, or applying to things.  I’m not freaking out about money that badly at this point.  Of course that is only right now at this very moment.  And hopefully if this Coe thing comes through I’ll at least be connected to art in some form.  Also saving my gas tank / car on some serious mileage since I’m basically full time at the winery.
  • Sean has one more week of work and then there’s 2 more weeks until he moves in. 
  • I essentially have 2 more weeks where I can adjust myself to the routine I’m currently in and then I’ll have to RE-adjust once he gets here and figure out what’s best for us when we’re sharing a bed, room, home, life, etc.
  • I have so many questions for him but I know I can’t ask them.