things I want to work on:

dressing better for the weather
eating food at home
absolutely no smoking
creative things
being rational and calm
spending less money
continuing to bike into the fall
researching next steps
staying positive

How Soon Is Now?
The Smiths


The Smiths - How Soon Is Now?

I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

"major" life update:

  • work has been absolutely ridiculous
  • I finally bought tickets for portland - only took nearly 2 years and $1,000 to go on this ridiculously expensive day trip BUT I need to be excited that a) I’m going and b) about the college I’m applying to
  • i’ve started growing brussell sprouts
  • My Dad finally got his own apartment and moved in this weekend, Sean’s grandmother is also getting a new place and leaving the trailer
  • I’ve gotten closer to finding answers as to what “home” means to me.  It may seem that I’ve been a homebody this year but this is fully intentional on my end. 
  • I’ve started the artist residency and while I’m glad to add this to my resume, I’m finding it very stressful on top of everything happening in my personal life and mostly just not useful  in any way
  • I’ve started ‘shooting’ with a medium format again but not really.  The first time I pick up a camera all summer and it won’t work and it’s basically eating my film.
  • I’ve been trying to start this project called “sundays with sean” just to have something fun and sort of familiar to shoot but obviously without a camera am not actually getting to do anything at all.
  • I have maybe 20 hours a week to myself outside of work and that is mostly chewed up by basic normal life shit like taking the trash out, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, doing dishes, watering the plants, etc.  While that’s all fine and dandy -  I feel like I’m wasting my time and slipping from everything I thought I cared about.
  • Just because I’m “23” does NOT mean I can afford $1000/month bills.  How dare you.
  • I cut my hair today and I’ve been crying a lot lately.
Anonymous :
How you be so sexy

hahahah yeah.

seeking self empowerment, seeking internal inspirations, seeking fresh dialogue, seeking clean blank pages, seeking a simple sanctuary.

I wake up and I run / I run as far as I can and as fast as I can / and then I collapse under ice cold water / simultaneously shocking my system and my senses / I shove myself in a tin box and drive as fast as I can / I place my genderless clothing over my body and slide the latch to the left / I swipe the card with my name on it and shut my brain off 
All through the day I recite phrases and smile blankly and laugh halfheartedly and -

bend up and down

slide forward and backward

wipe left and right and in circles

and halfway through the day I shovel fried foods into my mouth and pay 2.21 for a sliver of happiness in the form of a chocolate bar and then -

bend up and down

slide forward and backward

wipe left and right and in circles

And again I swipe the card with my name on it while pulling off the genderless clothing and stepping out into the humid summer air / I inhale deeply but am not satisfied / I start the car and turn the knob from one station to the next / I drive as fast as I can

Once I am home I recount the nothingness of the day with others and laugh at the sadness that has become the daily /

After food and drinks and showers and sex I lay down and try to recharge myself / try to prepare and then - 

I realize that I never did turn my brain back on and suddenly the switch is teetering on the edge not sure whether now is the most convenient time to begin functioning and processing or if it’s possible to just live adrift for the  next few days/

few weeks/

few months.

I found my tweezers and went on a plucking spree but in turn tweezed my beauty mark and now its full of blood and practically black.  
I barely even look like myself here. 

I found my tweezers and went on a plucking spree but in turn tweezed my beauty mark and now its full of blood and practically black. 

I barely even look like myself here. 

  • Things are going well at work and my manager said that she’s considering me for assistant manager if/when the position becomes available
  • I’m terrified that I’m slipping into the cracks
  • But I am merely taking a break and returning to a school setting and art setting in the fall, I need to remember that
  • I don’t need for photography to be what I do with my life just because I went to school for it.  I went to school for art and received my Bachelors of Fine Arts and I will do something art related with my life.
  • I should be able to buy plane tickets to Portland in July!
  • I would really like to erase you from my life
  • I have been running and eating well for 4 weeks today - I still enjoy beer, fries, and eating out occasionally but I essentially make every meal for myself at home
  • I’m not transitioning into all of this as smoothly as I would like to be or as I have in the past.  I am legitimately worried about the current state of things.
  • My Dad has been continually getting upset with me and then instead of talking to me about him being upset when he is - to clear the air - he just waits until I ask him what’s wrong.  Then the issue is that he’s not even upset with something I’ve done but just spends too much time thinking about things and hearing stories from other people and gets upset with me because of a fictional story he’s conjured in his alone time. 
  • I am so fucking tired of the way my room looks
  • I want to take most things off of the wall but what do “adults” hang in their bedrooms? 
  • Clutter
  • Sean’s in Maryland for a few days so tonight is the first time in over 2 years that I will be sleeping in a bed larger than a full/twin.  I don’t know what to do with myself.